For most men, sex ends with an
orgasm. This is very important for most men. And after the orgasm, most men are
satisfied and not willing to participate in active sex any more for some time.
All this is different for women.- All women do not always have an
orgasm. Some women have an orgasm most of the time, some only sometimes,
some never. In one typical report:
- 15 % of the women had orgasm
every time they had sexual intercourse,
- 48 % most of the time,
- 19 % sometimes,
- 11 % occasionally,
- 7 % never.
- For many women, sex can be
satisfying even without an orgasm. They value the closeness, intimacy,
cuddling, more than the orgasm. In a report asking women why they enjoyed
sex, their most common answer was emotional intimacy, and the most
pleasurable event during sex for women was penetration, not orgasm.
- A woman can continue to enjoy
active sex after an orgasm. Some women can have more than one orgasm in
succession.
These differences mean that men
often have the wrong expectations from a woman. Sometimes, it is the man, not
the woman, who wants her to have an orgasm. Men also have incorrect
expectations because of porn movies. In porn movies, the women cry and moan, so
men believe that a woman is more satisfied if she cries and moans. In reality,
a woman gets more silent and withdrawn when getting closer to, or having, an
orgasm. It is not uncommon that women fake orgasm, cry and moan because that is
what the man expects them to do. Of course, sex will be more satisfying if men
understand women better.
The complexity of sexual relations
is shown by the fact that orgasm is not only enjoyed by the person having
orgasm. The orgasm of the man is important to the woman, and reversely the
orgasm of the woman is felt as important for many men, maybe too important.
Below is some discussion about how
to help a woman get an orgasm. Important to note is that obtaining an orgasm
may not be what is most important for her. Maybe other things are more
important. Do not feel forced to obtain orgasm for the woman, unless this is
her own wish.
Below are some items on how to help
a woman get an orgasm. Always note, however, that getting a woman to enjoy sex
is not the same thing as getting her to have an orgasm, since women can
enjoy other things with sex more than the orgasm. Thus, if a man wants his
woman to be happy, it may be more important to provide closeness and love
rather than orgasm. Most women are not satisfied if the man enters them too
early, but that is not because of lack of orgasm but because of lack of love
and intimacy.
Psychological setting for making
love
Firstly, and this is very important,
most women need the right psychological setting to get an orgasm.
Does she know how to get an orgasm
at all?
The first question you always ask is
whether she is able to get an orgasm at all, for example by masturbation. If
the answer to this question is no, she must first learn how to get an orgasm.
If the answer is yes, you can investigate how to get an orgasm when making
love.
Timing of male and female orgasm
Women enjoy sex also after an
orgasm, while most men do not want to continue making love after their orgasm.
Because of this, it is better if the woman gets her orgasm before the man.
Clitoris and g-point
Women get an orgasm by proper
stimulation of the clitoris, a small lap of skin just over the vagina. The
clitoris can be stimulated by hand, using lubricating gel, by the woman herself
or her partner. It can also be stimulated by mouth. If the clitoris is stimulated
by her partner, this is usually done before the vaginal intercourse. Note that
during normal vaginal sexual intercourse, the nerve endings in the man's penis
are stimulated, but not the nerve endings in the woman’s clitoris. Only 30 % of
all women get an orgasm through vaginal sexual intercourse according to
research.
There is also a place inside the
vagina, which can be stimulated to give an orgasm. This point is named the
g-point. It is, however, difficult to find this point and stimulate it in the
right way. Women who succeed in getting orgasm this way usually use the
intercourse position with the woman on top of the man. The reason for this is
that this position gives the woman the largest options to control the movements
so as to stimulate the g-point.
Some women have a problem in that
stimulating the g-point causes a strong need to urinate.
Sometimes, couples start with
foreplay and manual or oral stimulation, then switch to intercourse with the
woman on top until the woman gets her orgasm, then switch to the man on top
until the man gets an orgasm. But this is something each couple will have to
try out what they prefer.
Techniques of stimulating clitoris
to orgasm
After foreplay by kissing and
fondling (may have to continue for up to 20 minutes) the partner or the person
herself stimulates the clitoris (they are below the labia or genital lips, and
above the vagina opening) by rapidly flicking a finger or the tongue back and
forward or up and down. Do not press hard. If you are using a finger, be sure
to use lots of lubricating gel (can be bought at a drug store). If you are
using the tongue, lubricating gel is usually not necessary, since lubrication
comes from the mouth. Ask her to concentrate on sexy thoughts at the same time.
Who is responsible for the female
orgasm, him or her?
The first step in learning to get an
orgasm is that the woman learns to get an orgasm by masturbation. She can then
teach her male partner how to do, and knows when it feels right and wrong.
Listen to her, ask her what feels good and not good, try out the best technique
together with her. So certainly she is responsible for telling her partner how
to make her satisfied.
It is quite common that women
masturbate themselves during intercourse, in order to get an orgasm.
Some feminists reject the idea that
men "give" women an orgasm. They claim that equality requires that
each is responsible for their own orgasm. Other people see love making as a
mutual activity of giving and taking.
Fantasies
Some women need to concentrate on
erotic fantasies to get an orgasm. The fantasies which work for some women can
be weird and contain actions they would never do in real life. Thinking
"maybe I cannot get an orgasm" may destroy the ability to get an
orgasm.
Is orgasm necessary for a woman
And remember, always first clarify
what the woman wants. Many women enjoy sex even without an orgasm, and do not
think that orgasm is necessary to be satisfied. Other women, however, are not
satisfied unless they get an orgasm.
Sex should be an occasion of mutual
joy and pleasure, not an occasion of incorrect expectations, forced striving
for an orgasm at all cost. Sex is usually more satisfactory for both if they do
not think so much about attaining orgasm, but instead think of love and mutual
pleasure.